Confessions of a Cat-holic (224)

I didn't even know why I decided to get back to Edmond at the time, given that I knew I wouldn't want to marry him. But I was in a panic mode. I was evicted from my residence in New York. I had nobody to talk to about my pregnancy. The first thing I could think of was to go back to Hong Kong and find a solution. So I wrote to Edmond again. He immediately responded and he wanted to get back together with me. He welcomed my return with fully open arms and I felt that that was what I needed at the time. I felt hurt by Eddie's mean words. I felt that I had made a mistake by dating a foreigner, he made me pregnant a few times without any intention to marry me. I really loved Eddie so I had no regrets of breaking all my rules for him but I felt that maybe I needed to fall back into my old routine, instead of pursuing a dream that left me shattered in pain and disappointment. I was much more hurt by Eddie's break up than Edmond's breakup. I never really liked Edmond. He was just a 水泡 (swimming ring) or a floating platform. After I gave Eddie everything I had, including all the lunches and dinners and my first night, I couldn't believe I was treated like shit like that. I thought that maybe I should really pick myself up and move on and go back to Hong Kong, a place where I belonged and was familiar with. After all, it was my hometown despite its many problems.

I was also extremely worried that I would become a single mother. I had to admit that I had considered marrying Edmond in a rush if I really got pregnant at the time, after all Edmond seemed perfectly fine with the fact that I spent an entire year in New York living with a Korean guy. Edmond said there was a girl in his group who expressed interests in him, that would be his current wife Jessica. But he said that he loved me even more so than before and he was willing to get back together with me. So I told him I might come back to Hong Kong to seek for a job, instead of trying my luck in New York. He supported my decision. Edmond was like a regular paycheck, you know, the usual high score achiever with a stable job and good work ethics. Many people thought that I should have just married him after Eddie's breakup. He was promising and supportive and we went out for 4 freaking years. That meant a lot for a girl. But at the back of my mind, I always knew that he was not the one for me. He was too easy, he slept with all my friends and I placed loyalty way above stability. I could get married with Rex and live in a basement in Vancouver, I could marry Rex even if he was a sushi chef or a courier or a Home Depot truck loader. I really wouldn't look at a guy's prestige or job title. If Edmond cheated on me like that, there was no way I would consider marrying him. But at that time, I suspected that I was pregnant with Eddie's baby so I had no choice.

But I didn't take a pregnancy test yet. I was just suspecting it. Chances were I might not get pregnant. I went back to work at Morgan Stanley as usual. I printed out some presentation slides for my boss but she yelled at me for being insensitive. She said that I just left the slides on the printer so everybody could see her works. She said that I was not aware of the competition among different groups within DCM and she talked to me about my reckless actions and negligence for over an hour. I felt that I was messing everything up, even for a task as trivial as printing slides for my boss. I ran out of money. I was pregnant with a guy who didn't want me. I was evicted from NYU. My roommate moved out of my room because she didn't like I was smoking next to the window in the morning. I was placed in three different groups and didn't really end up securing an offer. I almost blew up the entire network of Wall Street by downloading a post-it program to remind me of my schedule. For a short period of time, I experienced hallucinations. I thought that every coworker was talking behind my back, making fun of my mistakes. I got really sensitive over little stuff. I thought that they were calling up my professors from Columbia to find a reason to rescind my offer. I felt that I was losing my mind for this job.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4mhfejapM4