Confessions of a Cat-holic (229)

I heard that Edmond was hospitalized again for a tumor in his ear. I sometimes doubted if that could be the reason why he was kind of deaf to me. And then he was childless after wedding his wife for more than 10 years. Not only that, he also suffered from ALS and a few other terminal diseases. He was no longer working last time I checked his license registration. My roommate from Columbia had Alzheimer's disease or dementia, so she could not even talk like a normal person anymore last time I saw her in an event. A girl in my year from Barnard died from a rare form of cancer when I was 24. Another girl from my office had stomach cancer when I worked at the tutorial center in Causeway Bay. Half Chinese and half British, she was a few years older than me from Columbia College. She was on her way of completing a JD program after a career break from finance. Many of the rest of the Hong Kong students in my year from Columbia who were still functional and unaffected had converted to Buddhism and Shamanism. Hey, there were only less than 10 Hong Kong students from Columbia every year. Could you see the bigger picture now?

After hearing and witnessing too many unsung tragedies in my circle, I slowly grew to experiencing panic attacks rather than depression break downs. I had to say that in the first few years after college, I was a bit disappointed at myself, the fact that I ended up in a wrong industry, dating a wrong guy and having a wrong career. As time went by, this depressed feeling was slowly appeased by a change of mindset and expectation on myself. I became less harsh on myself and started to take on jobs that were less demanding. But as more and more of my friends died, I realized that I experienced a lot of anxieties rather than gloom. I had panic attacks a few times when I worked at Skadden. I could no longer work a normal 9-5 job in the office. I could only work part time, which was why I had the time to write this blog at this particular time.

Many of my friends from my alma mater already got married with kids. I was probably one of the only few who was still single. I had slowly accepted that this could be my fate. Now that I looked back, I was very glad that I didn't get married before 25 when I almost had the chance to. Had I had recklessly married Edmond, my life would be hundred times more miserable than now.

I would be turning 40 soon. To a lot of men, that could be a very old age, meaning that I could no longer bear children if married. I started to grow out of shape. I gained 80 pounds from medication due to depression. I was no longer the dashing model-looking young girl in my early twenties. My boobs started to droop. My skin started to look sagging. I also tended to get tired easily. I had to drink warm water instead of iced tea, because my body would start to ache otherwise. I also had a very fat ass and oversized thighs. My belly looked like a pregnant woman. I could no longer stay up late at night. I needed to have over 10 hours of sleep on average. I could not do maths anymore; I couldn't even do elementary school level geometry. I had problematic skin sometimes. I was teased by Wahyanites about my lack of collagen. I couldn't work a 9-5 job anymore, because I was out of the job market for too long. My skin aged so much that even foundation wouldn't look good on me anymore. I had very bad memory and was even more scatter-brained than when I was young. I had to keep a diary with me to remind me of all the tasks I needed to get done.

Many people were puzzled; I used to be so desirable with a face of Miss Hong Kong and the body of a hot model. Why did I just let myself get out of shape without the urge of locking in a breadwinner in the name of marriage? Was I heaven-sent? Was I too idealistic? Was I too naive? Was I too picky? Was I too unrealistic? Was I looking for a guy who never existed on earth?

I was not at all irrational. If you were in my shoes and witnessed what I had seen these years, you would perhaps start to appreciate my deliberate solitude.