Confessions of a Cat-holic (192)

Seeing his determination and perseverance despite all the discomfort, pain and suffering in his pursuit of happiness and fortune, I wanted to work him up a bit. I was so happy to see him working his ass off, day in and day out without rest. Of course, I would not show him the grin on my face when he told me on the phone that he was hospitalized for kidney failures the first year he worked as an analyst. I wanted to see him succeed. I wanted to see him prosper. I wanted to see him achieve his goals. I wanted to see him unleash his stress in Macau and Lan Kwai Fong. I wanted to see him seek comfort from Thailand trans prostitutes. I wanted to see him promoted. I wanted to see him thrilled upon receiving his bonuses. I wanted to see him spend a crazy weekend in Tokyo to celebrate. I wanted to see him getting married with his Mrs Right. I wanted to see him suffer from erectile dysfunction in his twenties so he could only have anal sex with drag queens to reach orgasm. I wanted to see him getting churned up in the financial industry. In medical science's term, it would be something in the line of alternative therapy or herbal medicine, namely homeopathy. Hey, never forget that I was a pre-med student in one of the toughest schools in Hong Kong, and in America. I went through the toughest curriculums locally and internationally.

So I decided to help him by implanting a vision that kept him going. I told him that I would only agree to marry him if he made it to MD. How stupid I must have been perceived as a girl being overconfident with my appeal for a man with promising banking career in Hong Kong where the girl boy ratio was largely in imbalance. I even told him my fantasy of getting married in Four Seasons. Who wouldn't know a successful man or CFO could get any women he wanted by the time he made it? Even the JP Morgan CEO wrote a letter in response to an ad posted by a gold digger on Craigslist saying that women only deteriorated at an exponential rate after college while men's paychecks would only multifold.

Once again, I must not have known about the metaphor of a woman as a sports car; my values only depreciated once used. Wow, it seemed like I really was clueless about intersex relationships on planet earth and the biological nature of female bodies. I was again taken as the blonde bimbo: sexy, dashing, attractive with no brain but plastic appearance and a hot body. Apparently, I needed to wake up in Disneyland. I needed to realize that there would be no prince charming riding on a white horse to rescue me from troughs. I needed to stop going after money by dating a loaded gangster. I needed to realize that the world was no paradise. I needed to realize that there were bad and evil people in this world. I needed to realize that there might not be a light towards the end of the tunnel. I needed to realize that no matter how pretty and gorgeous I once was, the world would abandon me like Gilian once my nude pictures were exposed. I needed to realize that whatever popularity I enjoyed in my teenage years was fragile like a piece of gloss paper. I needed to realize that I would never make it to become a titan's wife because there were tons of other women way more intelligent and strategic. I needed to realize that whatever friends and acquaintances I had, they were fake friends, and bad companions who only wanted to tempt me to drugs and parties. I needed to realize that once Edmond dumped me like a used condom, no one would stand beside me to save me from public insults. I needed to realize that everyone just wanted to take a piece of me, like Britney. I needed to realize that all my friends were only friends with benefits. I needed to learn a painful lesson of all the grown ups by having my heart finally broken. I needed to pick my friends carefully. I needed to realize that my relationship with Edmond was only 50 shades of Grey. I needed to realize that Edmond only treated me like a sex toy and Paris Hilton's leaked sex tapes. I needed to realize that in this patriarchal society, the men would come out alright of a sex scandal but I would only be victim blamed in a Me Too movement. I needed to accept that I would be forever single, which could be the worst thing that could happen to a woman. Thank you very much.