Confessions of a Cat-holic (161)

He was younger than me, maturity-wise and age-wise. He had sex eight days a week. He was a sex addict. He watched too much porn. He didn't know how to have sex with a proper woman because he had too much paid sex with prostitutes. He gave away his virginity to a hooker from Shanghai Street, Mongkok. He was a brothel district scumbag, having tried almost every brothel in Asia to give recommendations to his friends. He slept with all of my "friends" and rivals. He was not aware of the fact that he was just a slum dog geek, not a Yale prince from the Braemar Hill of Kowloon. He was a frog under the well, not a wanted hottie at the top of the world. He had everything that I would run away from, in terms of a boyfriend or husband.

The saying that women would only fall in love with bad guys was damn true. I didn't need someone who could sing. I didn't need a man who composed love songs. I didn't need a man who could play cello or piano. I didn't need a man who could decipher string theory. I didn't need a man who could read accounting statements. I didn't need a man from Yale or Harvard. I didn't need a man who could crack geometry. I didn't need a man who could play ice hockey. I didn't need a man who had computer hacking skills. I didn't need a man who claimed to be a genius. I needed a man who was not a yes man to everyone. I needed a man who could resist temptation because girls, and especially me, wouldn't like sharing dicks. No way, I would never share a dick with anyone. I grew up in a very competitive environment where there were many girls who could be sexier, prettier or smarter than me. I would be heartbroken if I found out my husband cheated on me, and with my girl friends too. I would cut off his dick and cook his eyeballs as a revenge. Yes, loyalty topped wealth, prestige and competitiveness all combined. I only needed absolute loyalty from my husband.

Ed could be the most “Hanson” man out there closest to Jesus alive, but would I want to fuck him? Mmm…bop. Even if the world was coming to an end tomorrow and Ed was the only male out there, I would rather masturbate or use a dildo my whole life than to have sex with him. Yeah, I was that certain about that. I was only willing to get back to Ed in our five year long distance relationship because he was a retard who was totally unconscious of the fact that we were not having sex. I was only willing to get back together with this biggest dumb ass of all times so I could keep my hymen intact. I would reiterate again here that I had never had sex with anyone, including Ed, before Eddie. The only thing I ever let anything penetrate my vagina before my first night was Ed's fingers. Okay, your fingers won, Ed.

Maybe he was a quant and a banker, but hey I enjoyed reading National Geographic, MIT Technology Review and Scientific American more than Forbes, or Hong Kong Tatler. I even conducted a research essay in my senior year of high school on the water relations of mushroom and its coated membrane because mushrooms and penises had a lot in common. They were both made up of water on a majority level and would flop upon dehydration. I wanted to see what happened if that membrane of the mushroom disappeared as much as I wanted to see what happened to the kidney of a sex addict who had sex eight days a week.

Poor Ed had had 1000 sex partners by his 30s but he still hadn't tried a virgin yet. He wouldn't know how to penetrate a virgin. Poor Ed wanted to take off his condoms for once for the sake of unprotected sex, but could he find Mary at Yale? Poor Ed wouldn't know a virgin was that hard to come by, especially at Yale. He was willing to deplete his kidney(s) to try a virgin. He wouldn't know in a school like Columbia, virgins were not a scarcity. Yes, at Columbia, virginity was no longer an urban myth. Yes, at Columbia, virginity was no longer a modern legend. We were a school no less selective than Yale or Harvard, but we just wouldn't go for the extremes at the expense of, say, chastity and sexual orientation. Kelly was a virgin before she met her husband, Kenneth from Columbia. Natalie was a virgin before she met her husband in her freshman research lab when he was a senior at Columbia. Daniella Loh, too, was a virgin before she met her husband. I myself, too, was a virgin before I met my husband, Edward. But at Yale, virginity was an extinct commodity.

So I thanked Sharon and Jason for setting me up with Eddie. They also helped separate me from Ed by introducing Jessica to him so Ed would stop harassing me.