Confessions of a Cat-holic (223)

Many things happened in the last two weeks of my internship. First of all, the paychecks didn't come through. I was supposed to get paid twice but none of the checks got through because Morgan Stanley didn't write my name right. They wrote my preferred name in English instead of the Chinese name on my passport and bank account. So my bank account balance dropped to close to zero. I was almost evicted from the Water Street dorm. I had no money to pay for my residence and I already spent all my allowances for that entire year because I had been buying Eddie's lunches and dinners for the entire year. I was left in a difficult situation and I had no one to talk to. I didn't know what to do in a foreign country.

I felt that I was in a dead end. I tried to call Eddie up for help but he just wanted to have sex with me. He didn't even try to save me from my eviction. He never talked to me about what was next after he finished college. Since he graduated already, he probably wouldn't see me again I thought.

Not only that, I also suspected I might have got pregnant again. I missed my period. I was very worried that I might get pregnant in a foreign country. I didn't want to give birth in America. Looking at the way Eddie treated me that entire year, I had no confidence to bear a baby with this guy because he didn't seem to care about me at all. I had a feeling that he just treated me like a sex partner, even though I didn't see him that way. I already had abortion many times that year and I didn't want to go through the same shit again. If I really got pregnant, I might as well just have a baby and quit school. But I didn't want to give up my degree, my job, my future. I didn't want my life to be ruined by Eddie like that. I thought that he was very immature. I wanted to see how he reacted. The last couple of times I took the plan B pills, I didn't tell him at all. But this time, I wanted to tell him and see if he actually wanted to be responsible for my pregnancy. And to my surprise, he said nothing at all. He called me a dirty bitch when I had urinary tract infections. I had to go to the hospital next to Columbia to get a urine test. The hospital was filled with black patients and they looked homeless. I was petrified to see that scene. I would never want to risk my life like that getting pregnant in the middle of Harlem. If Eddie looked a bit more promising, I might really consider having a kid with him. But at that moment, my heart was broken with his mean words. I didn't think he was my Mr Right. He was too unstable, like emotionally unstable and he didn't want to take responsibilities for his actions. Knowing that I should never get married before 25, I thought that maybe this should be an end to our relationship, since he didn't really care about my wellbeing. I had already gotten pregnant with him over a few times, I didn't want to keep having abortions until I could no longer bear kids. But I really wanted to stay in New York and be by his side until 25 and see how things would go from there when I dated him. But observing him for around a year, I had my reservations. I didn't want to risk my own health to be with him. I wanted to go back to Hong Kong, even though it might mean that I would stay single forever.

The pressure from work was very stress inducing. I wanted to download a post-it software on my terminal to remind me of my schedules. I did and an IT manager came to my seat and yelled at me for half an hour, saying that I could blow up the entire Morgan Stanley network and possibly halt the trading of the entire Wall Street with my reckless actions. I thought this job was too important for me. I really didn't expect that my scattered brain character could end up blowing up the entire Wall Street.

I had a feeling that I really might have to go back to Hong Kong after this internship. So I used my corporate email to reconnect with Edmond. But I really hated him. He called me a freak and asked if I took any medications to appease my mental diseases. That moment I wanted to see him dead.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29FsAvknOwk