Confessions of a Cat-holic (227)

A few years after I broke up with Eddie, I began to have repeated dreams about him. I dreamed that my cell phone was out of service and I couldn't press the buttons right to reach Eddie when I needed to talk to him. I had dreamed about this for over 1000 times over the course of ten years and it stopped just recently. The situations varied in my dreams, but it all ended up my failure to reach him on the phone in the end. Sometimes, it was that the keyboard was messed up so I couldn't press my intended number. Sometimes, it was that he changed his number. Sometimes, it was that the phone couldn't function normally. I was left in a very distressed state every time I woke up. It was a very disturbing feeling, and sometimes I could not deny that I might still have feelings towards him. So I went to a tarot card reader and sort out the implications of this repeated dream. After I consulted my psychic reader a few times, I felt more relieved. I already forgot what she said about my dreams. At least I felt that something entangled in my heart was finally sorted out and I finally stopped experiencing these repeated dreams in the recent 3 years.

I had a feeling that I might have regretted not calling him when Kelly saw him in New York in my senior year. At that moment, I was still very upset about him and his comments when we broke up. Another reason why I wanted to remain single rather than going back to him was that I felt that it was too messy. I didn't want to go back and forth between Edmond and Eddie anymore. I worried that Edmond and Eddie would just start asking me out again and again after I broke up with either one. （我不想在他們之間拉鋸）. I wanted to start over with a clean slate, you know, meeting someone who genuinely loved me for the way I was and someone who wouldn't leave me in a helpless situation when I needed him the most.

And slowly and gradually, I walked out of the emotional distress from this break up. It took me around 14 years to say that I was finally over him. I still had hopes of getting back together with him when I worked at Skadden. I thought I might have a chance to go back to New York, but it didn't happen and circumstances didn't allow me to do so either. I had met other guys in the last 15 years too, but I really couldn't fall in love again. I felt that I could never trust someone like I trusted Eddie anymore.

Derek, who was Edmond's high school friend, asked me out when I worked at Lehman.

His package was impeccable. He lived in an independent house at the peak. He had Australian citizenship and he worked at Deutsche Bank as a trader. He graduated from a prep school in Hong Kong, and then Wharton. He took me to see his parents. His dad was a lawyer and his mother was a stock broker. I knew his ex-girlfriend from Tufts and St Steven's Girls as well. But I didn't even take off my clothes or have sex with him when we were alone. I had been to his home at the peak. He had a driver to drive me home every time we went on a date as well. After being hurt by Eddie, I felt that maybe I should just marry a Hong Kong guy from my circle who could take care of me financially. Maybe I was not meant for Eddie, he was too badass for me. Derek, on the other hand, was controlling and possessive. At least I felt that he wanted to be with me quite badly. But I always suspected that he was lying to me. I couldn't trust him no matter how much he tried. Again, many people must have thought that I was a retard for not tying the knot with him because he was wealthy, good looking and caring. I wouldn't know why either. I always suspected there was something fishy about him. We went to Macau with his family and we didn't even live in the same hotel building. His mother gave me a spade necklace from Christian Dior for my birthday present. But I just couldn't fall in love with this guy. I thought that it might be because of his affiliation with Wah Yan, the vendetta school of my alma mater.