Confessions of a Cat-holic (230)

I had been idling in relationship status for the last 8-10 years. I really wanted to take the time to think through what I wanted to achieve in life, rather than jumping in a relationship and then ending up in a bad break up. I didn't want to break others' hearts as much as I wanted to keep my heart intact as well. I had slowly come to realize that I really shouldn't get married young, especially witnessing what happened among my "friends" who rushed into marriage in their mid to late twenties. There were a lot of polygamous relationships in my circle, because the guys around me were the tip of the social pyramid. If I couldn't accept polygamous dating and I couldn't accept cheating, I might as well just stay single rather than forcing myself to change for another person. Job-wise, it would be the same too. If I couldn't compete in a cutthroat workplace, and if I couldn't handle the workload, I might as well just take some less competitive jobs, such as part time content writer, translator or marketing. And it worked amazingly well, to my surprise. I figured that I found something that suited my skills and personalities even though I looked like a complete failure in my Ivy League circle. I felt very bad when I went to those high school reunions: I was the only person with less than 10K salary among those who sat on my table. The least impressive guy was a Cambridge phd candidate in its physics department. There were a few people from MIT with a Princeton phd; some from Washington U in St Louis and a phd in physics somewhere. There were a bunch of engineers and accountants, the majority were dentists and doctors. My confidence and self worth were completely shattered every time I came back from these events, realizing that I earned the least when I started off with the best academic profile. But then I figured maybe I should just focus on my own stuff, instead of comparing material success with my acquaintances. I was teased by my relatives when I went to their banquets. They asked me to watch out for AIDS when I had an ovarian cyst. They bragged about how they survived breast cancer / cervical cancer, while many of my other relatives already died from stomach cancer / lymphatic cancer in Canada. My relatives kept on pressing me on what I wanted to do with my life, like what I wanted to do for a living, emphasizing that I was once a 8As student from an Ivy League school. I felt that I was constantly looked down upon working as a part time tutor. Sometimes I felt that I was worth nothing too. I sometimes thought that I should really just live like a hermit; I was happier that way. I really didn't need a glamorous career and a Yale boyfriend who would cheat on me with my friends.

So I was extra cautious when it came to dating. I didn't want to make a decision when I was at my lowest. I could very well be making a wrong move that ended up even worse than before. Also, I didn't think there could be anyone to rescue me from my trough either. I went out with a guy, the only person I kind of wanted to get married in the last 16 years after my break up with Eddie. He was Ben from Columbia. He had a master from IEOR and he was working as a hedge fund trader in NY/DC at the time I met him. He lived in Tsuen Wan when we were dating. I sometimes thought that maybe I should just get married with a normal guy and then work as a clerk somewhere in New Territories. But he broke up with me within a year. And to be honest, even though I kind of could see myself living with him in Tsuen Wan for the rest of my life which I could have done without him anyways, I really didn't feel the urge to get married. And if I didn't want to get married, why bother to date?

Only after I gave up all the hopes for a long term full time job in CBD that I realized maybe I was not meant for it in the first place anyways. I picked up blog writing, as well as tarot card reading, website building, fiction writing, Korean, graphic design, video editing, figuring out my true passions without having to worry being condemned politically incorrect.