Confessions of a Cat-holic (231)

I finally found that I actually had a purpose in life. I had been following the crowd going with the flow all my life, going to a band 1 school acing the public exam and getting into university starting out in an investment bank, until I dropped out from all these. For a long time, I was very upset about myself too. I too wished to have a husband and start a family in my twenties, working a normal job living in mid levels or Happy Valley. I was no different from my peers. But there were certain ethic gates that I couldn't pass. I couldn't sell my soul and body for a job and I couldn't enjoy the company of a guy whom I was not attracted to. I couldn't marry a guy just for the money or stability. So in the end, I became the biggest loser. And the funny thing was that I actually felt better that way still.

Just as I slowly picked myself up emotionally and career-wise, Rex came to Hong Kong to find me after disappearing for almost 20 years since our break up in 2001. He called me up and he came to meet me in South Horizons. He was chubbier than before and he smoked. I already quitted smoking then, so I turned down his cigarette. He didn't change at all. He still looked the same. He didn't age that much, while I had already gone through a lot of ups and downs in life to finally come to appreciate the uneventful life I now possessed. He told me he lived with his girlfriend in Vancouver when we met. I saw her picture. She looked very plain, and she was less attractive than me, in my honest opinion. All the girlfriends he had dated after me were far from attractive. He knew I would be heartbroken if I found out he went out with someone better looking after our breakup. He was always so tender and careful, taking good heed of my heart so I never felt bad about myself even after we separated. He was still wearing the couple ring I gave him twenty years ago. He still kept the presents I sent him when we dated. He was still a loser, failing school dropping out and working as a courier for many years before he obtained citizenship in Canada. He was still doing the stuff that I liked about him. Even though I went astrayed from our promise giving away my first night to a foreign guy who didn't want to marry me despite my several pregnancies, Rex stayed the same. He didn't react to my hysterical swearing, my emotional yelling and my tempered vulgar self. He just sat there like a polar bear, waiting for me to hug him like a stuffed animal.

Who did I love more, Eddie or Rex? I sometimes felt somewhat confused as well. I was attracted to both of them, of course. Both were good looking. Both were attractive enough so I wouldn't have to force myself to get intimate with them. This would be very rare to come by, because I had very high standards. I could easily get turned off by a guy, which was why I would rather remain single than having to force myself into a relationship. The intimacy thing was a big thing to me; if I couldn't see myself getting intimate with a guy, I probably wouldn't want to see him on dates again. I had my first kiss and first orgasm with Rex and I had my first night with Eddie. So it was really hard for me to decide whom I was attracted to more. I didn't remember experiencing any orgasm with Eddie, because of the anatomy of a girl. But then I wouldn't think I would have an orgasm sleeping with Rex either. So this orgasm thing really was not a matter of importance to me. I was okay with getting in bed with either of them.

If I gave my first night to Eddie, I was of course more certain that he was the one for me at that moment. I just felt that he was the guy I was looking for. And I was more attracted to him than Rex too, otherwise I wouldn't want to risk giving away my virginity to a foreign guy. My heart fluttered a lot when I saw Eddie. There was something special about Eddie: he was built and healthy looking, and the most important thing was that he was straight, not LGBTIAQ+ (yeah non-binary spectrum sexual orientation, the list could go on forever).