Confessions of a Cat-holic (235)

But I really thought I would get married with Eddie when I dated him. I had a plan. I wanted to stay in New York for a few years, working a job that I didn't particularly like then moving to New Jersey for a change of pace. I even thought of a place where we would live after we got married (if he wanted to get married with me). I thought that Fort Lee was a very nice place. I could see myself living there for the rest of my life. That was the only place I wanted to live apart from Hong Kong. They had a lot of Korean restaurants and pastry shops there. And it was next to the city so I could always drop by Manhattan if I needed to buy something. New Jersey was cheaper too. I even subscribed to their listings of apartments and checked out how much it would cost to live there. I wanted to stay close with my friends too. Kelly, my roommate for college, moved to New Jersey Fort Lee in her senior year. I would feel very happy with her company. I really wanted to be one of those desperate housewives I saw on TV, living in a house somewhere in Bergen County chatting with other housewives for the entire day complaining about our husbands.

Eddie mentioned something about Beijing when we dated, but he never talked to me about our future during our one year relationship. He said he liked Jianwai Soho, the complex near my home. I told him I liked its architecture too. But that was it.

I guessed I had to return home, no matter how much I missed Eddie. In the first few years I came back from college, I still thought I could maybe get a master degree or MBA at Rutgers like Sylvia. But I experienced some trauma after college, which left me in pain all over my body. I had a lot of physical discomforts after I left Lehman; like my eyes hurt, my shoulders hurt, my head hurt so much that I couldn't carry out the usual tasks required in a normal job even. I couldn't handle the workload of a master degree anymore, not even those offered by HKU Space. I guessed I really had no choice but to get stuck in Hong Kong for the rest of my life. At first, I felt very upset because the break up with Eddie was not so voluntary. It was due to long distance. I still loved him. But after a while, I just figured maybe there was nothing I could do to get back together with him. I had tried many ways but it just felt impossible realistically. I wanted to just marry a Hong Kong guy and then maybe 認命. A banker from DBS / Columbia asked me to go on a trip with him in Zhuhai. I tried and I tried really hard to fall in love with someone in my circle. But the feelings I got when I dated these guys in my circle were fear rather than romance. I really thought that I should just be on my own. I felt much more at peace with myself when I was single, it really felt better that way.

A few years ago, as my body slowly recovered, I saw Eddie's posts on the internet. I forgot what it was already but from his posts, I realized that he still remembered our times when we spent together. I hadn't moved on and I hoped that he hadn't moved on either. I saw something he did that really impressed me. I forgot what it was already. But I was impressed so I went to a local temple, the temple I always went to since elementary school in Wanchai. I made a vow with God some time around then. I wouldn't disclose the content of the vow but I promised that I would keep the promise given that he still wanted to be the other party. And then afterwards, I stopped to have repeated dreams about him.

I carried on with my life as usual. As I slowly picked myself up, I no longer felt the pain from Eddie's breakup. I felt less attached to him as time went by. I went to a tarot card reader; she said that there was no way I could get back with a guy who hadn't contacted me for 16 years. And then I thought to myself, yeah who on earth would think I still stood a chance to get back with him after all these years. Then Rex came in, as I slowly recovered from the reverse culture shock I suffered after I returned home from college graduation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5tgPBV1Rt0