Confessions of a Cat-holic (236)

It took me around 15 years to finally say that I could talk about Eddie without any emotional attachments. It took me 15 years to open up and confess what happened between me and him. I thought I already moved on and I could finally accept that I would be living in Hong Kong for the rest of my life.

My dad got into hospital a few times in the last few years. I was very busy with taking care of my family, moving apartments, renovating my new place, etc. But I finally found a career path that somehow suited my strengths. I could sustain myself without having to worry much about office politics. I was bullied a lot in workplace because a lot of the local Hong Kongers thought that I was Gillian, the once popular fallen angel super star who got depressed because of the leaked sex tapes. I endured a lot of public discrimination because of that. To be honest, I was not too upset about public image because I was never a public figure. I was more worried about my own wellbeing, health and mental state.

I finally moved to New Territories, the long awaited break from city life on Hong Kong island. Even though I lived in Ap Lei Chau, which was not so city like already, I was still very happy that I no longer had to deal with the hustle in CBD. I felt much happier after cutting off from the Central lifestyle. That might mean that I would be earning less, but I felt much happier to be away from my peers in Central. There were a lot of hillbillies among them.

I felt happier in the past 3 years, after I moved on from Eddie's breakup. I took classes when I felt bored; I slept til 3 pm every day; I only worked a few hours a week but I earned enough to pay for my necessities; I watched a lot of Korean drama on Netflix to stay in the loop; I enjoyed teaching students and talking to them about current affairs; I wrote novels and fictions even though no one wanted to publish them; I felt that I was no longer the girl shattered in heartbreaking pains. Gradually and subtly, Rex's return a few years ago somehow implanted a thought in my brain that he could be the one for me.

I paid more attention to Vancouver now, especially after selling our 26-year apartment in South Horizons. After 20 something years, Rex hadn't changed a bit at all. I really could see myself in Vancouver, since I was a Canadian citizen anyways. I could really see myself living in the basement with him somewhere in Coquitlam (he lived there with his dad). I had been earning less than a Filipino maid in Hong Kong so I would be totally fine doing jobs of minimum wage in Vancouver. I could see myself spending the rest of my life with Rex in Vancouver.

But I wouldn't just move to Vancouver leaving my family in Hong Kong like that. I couldn't drive and I didn't know anyone in Vancouver either. But I guessed if circumstances allowed, I might really move to Vancouver and try reconnecting with Rex. But he had a girlfriend now. I sometimes dreamed that I flew to Vancouver to get back with him but he turned me down. He was driving a car with his girlfriend by his side in my dreams. I felt that this sounded too ridiculous too. If I moved back to Vancouver, it would be permanent, not just for a rekindle of dating relationship. As I slowly matured, I really wouldn't risk moving to a new country in the name of love.

Yeah, so this was what happened to me. My life story. It took me a long time to get through the traumas to finally have the courage to openly talk about it. Partly it was due to the NDA, partly because I was not ready to fully confess my deepest sorrows. I hoped you could all see the bigger picture and have a happy belated epiphany.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbUjdbgpmKk