Confessions of a Cat-holic (32)

All my female friends around me were complaining about cramps. I felt too embarrassed to disclose the fact that I did not reach puberty, so I pretended I had cramps too and I would bring some pads to the bathroom, just to look like a woman. That was how pathetic I was prior to my belated puberty.

The fact that I was going to a co-educational college made me even more conscious of my delayed and long overdue menstruation. When could I finally celebrate my first period, I wondered. I was hoping that I was not born a man with female features or a woman with no womb. Did that sound like some sort of an innate transsexual ladyboy to you? I should find homage in Thailand, perhaps. And no, I was not kidding. I had serious concerns about my sexuality. Afterall, I always wanted to be like everyone else, not some extreme anomaly, remember?

The first day at SPCC was unexpectedly pleasant. The moment I stepped onto the campus, I felt a breeze with loosened gates widely opened for anyone's entry. No one bothered to check my student ID, even though I didn't have my school badge on yet. I could be a True Light student sneaking in. But I guessed Christian education was a trusting and liberal one. I swiftly walked through the entrance, despite being slightly disappointed by the lack of automobiles in the parking area, a scene that was in juxtaposition with the overcrowded lots on Kennedy Road where I spent my 9 crucial years of childhood and adolescence.

It was too late. My Catholic ethics and moral beliefs were already as rigid as it could get. My alma mater had already shaped my world views and value systems, leaving little room for adjustments. I was already too accustomed to the showy scenes in Wanchai where we all could easily afford a bag as expensive as boy chanel and dress ourselves in designer products while getting off to school in an European vehicle. The new school looked a bit shabby to me, if you could excuse me for being slightly capitalistic. What happened to the promised legend of an urban noble school? Hello, blue blood students from Cheung Kwan O, Siu Sai Wan, Shau Kei Wan, Sai Wan and Kennedy Town?

The second thing I noticed was that they looked very different from the faces I was used to in Wanchai. They looked distressed. Many of the boys, despite in their teenage years, had overly crooked backs and half a head of grey hair. The girls looked ugly. I did not want to use the word ugly. But they were, really. I couldn't find another word to better describe their appearances. I was not pretty either but they were even uglier than me. They looked like they had not taken care of their looks for more than a decade, even though reality was quite the contrary. Reading Ling Lee's essays to the Wesleyan Freeman Asian Scholarship program, I wondered if she suffered from body dysmorphic disorder. What happened to that quote when she said "Gulliver stood before the breast of the queen but he was staring at the pores of her skin"? You would think they were just being overly scholastic, with too little time to dress well and eat well. No, they actually were kind of obsessed with appearances, with some girls even anorexic or bulimic. They were obviously focusing on the wrong stuff, tipping the far end of the balance. Eventually, they could be pushed to the corner by their very own selves.

Also, their qipaos were too short. Even if there wasn't a big split on the side, a girl should wear a skirt well covering their knees, showing as little flesh as possible. St Francis had very strict rules in terms of uniform standards. But clearly, SPCC was in lack of a disciplinary advisor. Some of the girls even had brown hair and make up on in school, making SPCC look like a chicken cage with no doors. To make it worse, many of them actually split their legs wide open in class and on stage while singing or playing the violin. Okay, if they were playing a cello, I could forgive you for that. But no, they wouldn't need to display their legs to showcase their violin passion, right?