my true feelings

I went to an all girls school most of my life. But unfortunately, I had to go to college and I had a boyfriend at Yale. Even though it was long distance, it was unevitable that we had to spend weekends together. Therefore, we had to sleep together.

I remember that feeling of intimacy with him. He is a sex addict. He has sex like eight days a week and he used me as a sex slave. I was just a hole to dissipate his sex drive and semens. And he liked to take pictures with me to brag in front of his friends.

Every time I made out with him, I was like, "oh no, not again, not with this guy." Or "sorry, can you just finish it in a second so I can go to sleep?"

I said it to Gordon Park like out loud, in explicit words, when we were getting to know each other that I did not enjoy intimacy with my boyfriend then. Eddie seemed like an attractive guy. I was physically attracted to him. But I don't want to repeat the trauma of going out with a guy then realizing I am not attracted to him but since we already went out in an official relationship, I couldn't just break it off like nothing happened. I made sure the guy I went out with after my Yalie bf had to have some sort of physical hotness. Otherwise, making out could feel like hell.

Do you know that feeling of waking up next to a guy whom you are not attracted to? I felt like a prostitute. Like having sex with a guy not becos I wanted to, but becos I should for status reasons or for stability reasons or for the sake of having a relatinship or whatever reasons. I wanted to end that relationship like right away. Thats why I didn't go out with guys who asked me out freshman year. Cos too many guys asked me out but none of them were like attractive. So for my next relationship, I had to at least get laid with a guy whom I am attracted to first, not becos I am attractive to them. Yeah, so eventually even if it didn't work out, I think I can still withstand the consequences. I would still say it was better than the 4 year college relationship with 田雞. Cos making out with him felt so disgusting.

So I realize that I didn't feel bad waking up next to Gordon Park. I didn't have that feeling "I would rather be single for the rest of my life than marrying this guy." I could really see myself waking up next to him every day, without any regrets or repulsive thoughts. I actually really liked to watch the little things he did when we lived together. Even though we kind of had a fake relationship. We were not really going out or anything.

I think that feeling was amazing. Columbia has given me a lot of amazement, like letting me meet guys I have never dreamed of could have existed on earth. I like waking up next to Gordon Park, more than my dog, to my surprise. After him, I never had that feeling with another human anymore. I could slightly feel the same when I am with my dog. I only feel love when I am with my dog. Maybe I shouldn't date anyone right?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO22mk4LTUc