What is love?

So what is love?

I grew up in Hong Kong. So I don't really believe in love. I have had crushes on guys when I was a kid. But that didn't last. I think, to conclude, love is just a rush of love hormones or adrenaline that wouldn't last. Maybe it will last for a year at most. But it is just a very intangible feeling that will slip away. I did feel in love with one person in my life. That is very rare. I don't think I have fallen in love again in my life with other guys. Am I still in love with him? I haven't seen him for 20 years. I don't know. I think I will be delusional if I say I am still in love with him.

In order for a long term relationship to work, I think physical attractiveness is important. That is like a prerequisite. But for it to really really work for a really really long and enduring time, like marriage for example, spiritual connection is equally important.

I have had parents, I have seen them interact. I have heard of their first love stories and why they failed. I am no different from them. I think for a marriage to work, I will need a lot of things: trust, compatibility, mutual respect, spiritual connection and so on.

Trust is something that takes time to build. But once it is built, unless you break it by doing something very wrong, it tends to go on like newton's law of constant velocity. Trust is very crucial for marriage to work. Love only makes someone a special boyfriend. For that person to esculate onto something like a husband, or long term life partner, trust is something that makes a person different from a college boyfriend or like a high school crush. Love can fade away. I can only feel in love with a person for half a year at most. Whether that someone can continue to esculate onto a higher level and become my family member, that requires a lot of effort and tests. It is like JLPT N1. Jumping from JLPT N5 to N2 is easy, but jumping from N2 to N1, probably takes the efforts of jumping from N5 to N2 altogether combined. That idea of allowing someone to become my family member takes a lot of tests. Afterall, when we are in our late fifties and sixties, we are no longer attractive for sure. Do I still want to stay with this person? Do I still want to take care of this person when he has no value or use to me? Do I still want to stay by his side if all the physical things disappear? When love goes away, then what is left in this relationship will be 感情 not 激情 or 愛情. That 感情 takes a long time to build. It requires trust, compatibility, emotional attachment, etc.

Talking about compatbility, I am not someone who can make men stay. Maybe on the outside, I am very sociable and outgoing. But deep down, I don't give a fuck about others. I only care about myself and my well being. I grew up in an all girls catholic school. We were taught how to survive without men. Not how to survive through luring men. So I end up very independent. A lot of guys think that I am distant, emotionally cold and not caring enough. So they end up cheating on me in order to look for something they lack. A lot of people think that I am not supportive enough. So that is also a problem. I don't think this is something that a lot of men can handle. So this compatibility thing also is a serious issue.

I can't cook. I don't like to do house chores. I also don't have a lot of emotions. What else? I am 42 already. I don't need a man who will destroy my inner peace by creating chaos in my life. I think real love is 細水長流, like enjoying the mundane every day life with nothing exciting. It is that feeling of making a boring day part of my life. Like doing nothing, chilling, relaxing with a person next to me who does not make me feel worse being next to him. And through 習慣 and 自然的感情流露, he assimilates into my life naturally, peacefully and boringly. I don't like a lot of ups and downs and constant surprises. I think my every day life should be ordinary and uneventful with my special someone.

I hate to say this but I think I am subconsciously very influenced by the roman catholic Church. cos I went to a catholic school. we were taught all these historic figures and saints of the Catholic Church. one of the persons who has influenced me a lot is Cleopatra. when us fellow Franciscan get married, we tend to marry someone who is somewhat of power, or political influence or something that we can hold on to. if you look at all my friends, and the husbands they marry, you can see a pattern that we tend to marry people of meaningful purpose. like maybe of higher power, occupation, status or citizenship. so when I look for husband, I also tend to follow Cleopatra. I am someone who likes to use my own 條件 to help myself obtain certain advantages through the bonding of a marriage aka long term material relationship. it's just the way we were taught in school. I can't help it. after all I am just a woman. I have my shortcomings. I need a man who can help me in the long run, as much as you need someone to help you in the long run. 

Ever since the first time I heard of Cleopatra's story, I have been fascinated by her legacy. I said again and again, history was my favorite subject in middle school and Egyptian history was my favorite topic within history the subject itself. I love Cleopatra because of the way she saved the country through a political marriage with Julius caesar. To be honest, all of us fellow Franciscans were amazed by how she utilized the feminine power to obtain what she needed and wanted. After all, we are not men. there are many things we cannot do and we need men to fulfill those tasks. Cleopatra taught us how to utilize men to help complete our life goals.

To many people, maybe the material girls in hk, they think that marrying rich is the only way for social mobility or to become a 名媛. but my goal was never to become a 名媛, because I don't like publicity and I don't need another person or the entire hk to witness my marriage for me to feel justified. quite the opposite. But that doesn't mean I don't have ambitions, or that I am a loving person with a lot of heart and willingness to serve. I am just as ambitious as any other girls in my circle, but maybe I just need something other than just money itself. If I need something at a certain stage in life, (not necessarily money, maybe something intangible like revenge, citizenship, advantages in certain situations) I will use my feminine charm to attract men who can help me obtain certain purposes. Actually it really is the way I am. I can't help it...So the only way for me to fall in love a guy permanently maybe is to be useful for me in the long run. I am not a submissive woman who is selfless, or loving or affectionate, or 溫柔體貼. I have my own goals to fill and I only need man who can help me obtain what I want.

How is Athena like?

Athena is the Greek Athena - goddess of wisdom, strategic warfare, and crafts Athena, Greek Goddess of War and Wisdom. She is practical, calm, and fiercely rational, preferring clever plans and justice over chaotic violence.

She protects heroes and cities, but like other Greek deities, she can also be harsh, proud, and vindictive when crossed.

Personality and Traits

Wise and Strategic: She plans ahead. She values reason, logic, and intelligence over raw emotion.

Disciplined Warrior: Unlike Ares, who loves the bloody chaos of battle, Athena represents tactics, courage, and military skill.

Just and Protective: She acts as a guardian for civilized life, law, and favored heroes like Odysseus.

Proud and Severe: She demands respect and can severely punish mortals who insult her vanity or skills.

Symbols: The owl (wisdom) and the olive tree (peace and prosperity).

Appearance: Usually shown wearing a golden helmet and armor, and carrying a spear and shield.

Interests: Patron of weaving, pottery, and useful inventions like the plow and chariot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0p1bmr0EmE